I’m F.I.N.E.

I’m still not 100% how to go about this blogging thing this time around. It needs to be different because I’m different. However, it also needs to be the same because at the end of the day I’m still me. Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, emotional. That’s me. I was fine. I am fine. I will be fine.

Although I deleted The BiPolar Express many many years ago, probably close to 10 years ago, I did manage tonight to find some archived pages on the internet. Damn, I can write and shit.

My life is so different now than it was during the time on the archived pages. I was unemployed, depressed, my grandparents had just died, I was still trying to deal with Joshi’s death, and my Mom’s. The last archived post is in October 2009. I feel certain I deleted the blog shortly after that. Within 6 months my father would be diagnosed with his final illess and within 24 months he’d be gone, too.

Getting back on track has been a struggle but I think I’ve managed. Don’t misunderstand me. Life isn’t all sunshine and roses for me now. I don’t think I’m meant to have a sunshine and roses kind of life. But it’s different and it’s better. I’m happy with that.

So, what are the highlights of the last eight years? Well,

  1. I’ve gotten a job a love, with a firm in Fredericksburg, working with people I like. My fourth anniversary there will be in September.
  2. For all intents and purposes I have joint custody of Joshi’s kids. I have them every 3rd weekend, and quite a bit in the summer. Plus we have dinner once a week on the weeks that they’re not out here in the George with me. Alexandra and I are saving for a trip to Paris when she graduates from high school and Kenny and I are saving for a trip to Amsterdam.
  3. Peter, Nathan, and Kayla live with me in the little red house. It’s not red anymore, it’s grey now (new siding). Also a new roof, new windows, and other renovations on the drawing board.
  4. Bobbi is living in the Gs house, so she’s nearby and I love that. Arn is also close by and he visits when he can.
  5. Stella is still with me, healthy, happy, and bossy at the ripe old age of 9.5 years.

A job, family nearby, Stella, yeah, life is pretty good, except when it’s not. But we’re not focusing on that anymore, are we? Nope, we are not. Because we are F.I.N.E.

 

Giving It Another Go

You know, years ago I had a really popular blog called “The BiPolar Express” that I started after my bipolar diagnosis. And then my diagnosis was updated and changed and it seemed wrong to continue writing a blog about a disease I didn’t actually have. After writing it for 10 years I deleted it. Without printing it out. Just boom. And I do that sometimes. I make a decision and I do it and I don’t look back. For better or worse.

I honestly forgot about this blog. I’m going to try to do better about writing. I know it’s good for me, good for my heart, good for my soul. If only I was as good at following through on creating something as I am on destroying it.